If you haven't seen the ads for Kyra Sedgwick in The Closer, then you don't exist in our dimension. TNT has placed ads everywhere at every point in time to ensure you know for a fact that a show called The Closer exists and Kyra Sedgwick and her inch-thick layer of foundation are in it.

Unfortunately, I haven't had a chance to catch The Closer because every time it's been on, I've had a thing with that one guy.

But from all the ads I've seen before movies, during other TNT shows, and on the foreheads of victims of the Georgia-Russia War, I can definitely tell the The Closer is about:

1.  Kyra Sedgwick shouting at minorities in a small room.
2.  Kyra Sedgwick closing something.
3.  Drama.

Or, the greatest show ever. No matter what the show is actually about, these three elements make for entertainment you can watch again and again.

Look at these possible scenarios which might or might not be an actual episode of The Closer:


1. The Student
Kyra Sedgwick walks into a small room. She leaves the door open behind her. There's an Asian guy in there. “You got a great GPA!” she shouts. “No, I'm here about a football scholarship,” the Asian guy yells. “I just assumed!” Kyra screams. “Well maybe you should check your files before talking to someone interested in your school,” Asian bellows. “So you're interested in our school!” she shrieks. “Oh, you're good,” calmly verbs the Asian athlete whom Kyra Sedgwick knew about all along. He signs the contract. She gives a thumbs up to the two-way glass. Behind it, that guy who played J. Jonah Jameson in Spider-Man says, “Man, she sure knows how to close things.” Then she leaves and closes the door behind her. Roll credits.

2. The Driver
Kyra Sedgwick walks into a small room. She leaves the door open behind her. There's a black guy there. “I'm mad at you for not agreeing to this amazing 4.7 APR,” she shouts. “I don't want to pay that much unless it's for a Hybrid,” the man who isn't white shouts back. “Well, then we just got some in stock!” “WHAT!” She pulls out a contract. He signs it. She smiles at the two-way glass and says, “This deal is closed.” She then closes the door behind her to emphasize that point. She then opens it and lets the African guy out. He got his car and Kyra just got her sweet commission. Epic win!


3. The One Who Got Away
Kyra Sedgwick walks into a small room. She leaves the door open behind her. There's a Samoan woman in there. She says, “I know you've been shoplifting.” Kyra says that, not the Samoan lady. The Samoan lady, man, she's silent. Kyra's all like, “I've got video evidence and I want to close this case!” “You want to close this case?” asks the Samoan. “Yeah. I want it closed. Bad.” Then they totally make out. But as they're making out, Kyra Sedgwick feels under the Samoan lady's shirt and finds only a boob and not the stolen merchandise she suspected. “Ah-ha!” says the Samoan lady. Kyra runs out of the room and leaves the door open. To be continued! Case unclosed.


How awesome are these episodes? I think pretty awesome. I wrote them, but they might have been written by a professional writer with credits. The tragedy, of course, is that I can now never watch The Closer; it might not live up to my expectations. And if the show turned out to be a crappy Law & Order clone, I would never be able to live with myself or Hollywood.