Ms. Edgington: Class, it is a unique treat for me to introduce one of my former students. At the time, I had just finished college so it was really understandable why he would be in love with me and not at all creepy or weird but I still have big boobs so I remain attractive to him, although it is, like, fifteen years later. I think I may have sex with him after this. Please welcome Mike Drucker!

(Applause.)

Me: Hello, class! How are you? I feel great! Did you see all these muscles on my arms?

Class: Oooooh.

Me: They’re necessary… for what I do.

(Hand raise.)

Ms. Edgington: Yes, Robert?

Student: What do you do for a job?

Me: That’s a good question, but not great. Look out the window.

Student: Ninjas! I bet they want to kidnap the President!

Me: Not for long…

(I touch my Rolex calculator watch. There is an explosion.)

(Applause.)

(I take out a cell phone, pull out the antenna, and dial a number.)

Me: Hello, Eternal Blood Brother – I mean, The President? You are safe now. Yes. Yes. Well if you think you need to lose another game of NBA Jam, I would be happy to help. Yes. Goodbye.

(Applause.)

(Hand raise.)

Ms. Edgington: Yes, Randal?

Student 2:  How do I become more like you, Mr. Drucker?

Me: Keep collecting Kool-Aid stamps and use them to pay for college.

Student 2: Can I ask a follow-up question?

Me: That was one! I’m just joshing. What is it, my young friend? Speak lively!

Student 2: Can I have your autograph?

Me: Sure. Who do I make it out to?

Student 2: Make it out to Randal Werdigsworth…

Me: By Randal Werdigsworth, do you mean my arch-nemesis?

Student 2: The one and only! I cloned myself after you killed me to death! Prepare to die!

Me: Kamehameha!

(Randal Werdigsworth disappears in fireball launched from my fingers.)

(Applause.)

(Hand raise.)

Ms. Edgington: Dana DiMarco?

Student 3: Can I go on a date with you, Mr. Drucker?

Me: Maybe when you’re 18!

Student 3: What does that mean?

Me: I’m not sure, but my father says it often.

(Ms. Edgington pats my butt and no one feels left out.)

(Hand raise.)

Ms. Edgington: I’m sorry. That’s all the time we have for now. Mr. Drucker’s time is extremely valuable to our nation.

Me: You can call me “Mike.”

Ms. Edgington: Oh, I will - in my waterbed!

(We high-five and tongue-kiss.)