Like anyone, I watched a lot of movies as a kid. My parents were pretty good about letting me watch whatever I wanted. However, that also meant that many of the films I was allowed to watch unsupervised contained scenes that confused me. Some were jokes obviously meant for adults. Others were ideas that I took a tad too literally. None I understood until I was older.

Here are five true examples:

Ghostbusters: Dan Akroyd Gets a Spooky B.J.




It Happens At About 5:05

The Scene As I Understand It Now:

During a montage showing the success of the newly founded Ghostbusters, Dan Akroyd’s Dr. Raymond Stantz dreams – or does he? – that a female ghost is opening his and bringing him on base with a triple.

How I Misunderstood It Then:

Why is she loosening his belt? Did he eat too much for dinner? Wait, she’s opening his pants! Does he need help going to the bathroom? That seems weird for a grown-up. Wait – he’s got a big smile on his face. Maybe it was really hot in the Ghostbusters building and she wanted to help him sleep in his underwear like Dad did.

And did anyone consider whether or not Ernie Hudson needed cooling down? No.

Beetlejuice: Door to the Netherworld

The Scene As I Understand It Now:

Alec Baldwin and Geena Davis die and find a book that tells them they can cross into the netherworld by drawing a chalk door on a wall and knocking three times.

How I Misunderstood It Then:

The afterlife looks awesome! It’s like a big, neon party! I can’t wait to get there! Hurm.... Does this need some kind of special chalk? The movie didn’t mention it. Why isn’t this working? C’mon. Oh! Duh! No door knob! Here we go! What? Maybe if I completely colored in the door. I need more chalk. Who can I ask? Maybe the other kids on the block want in on this living death thing.

Demolition Man: The Three Seashells

The Scene As I Understand It Now:

There’s a running gag that Sylvester Stallone can’t wipe his butt because everyone uses mysterious seashells instead of toilet paper. This is not meant to be taken seriously as this is a comedy/action movie.

How I Misunderstood It Then:

We can save the forests if we don’t need any more toilet paper! How do these seashells work? I think I can use some I found in my backyard to sort of scrape out... why is Mom so angry right now? Yeah, well, they got mad when Edison invented the light bulb too!

A League of Their Own: “Avoid The Clap, Jimmy Dugan”




That’s good advice!

The Scene As I Understand It Now:

A kid asks major league legend – and now coach for the Rockford Peaches – Jimmy Dugan to sign his baseball. He does so by signing “Avoid the Clap, Jimmy Dugan,” meaning to stay away from a venereal disease one would get through sex.

How I Misunderstood It Then:

I should...avoid... applause? But he waves his hat at the crowd in the stands! Oooooooh, I’m supposed to think he doesn’t do what he says, and that’s why he got kicked out of baseball. Right? I guess that makes sense.

Ace Ventura: Pet Detective: Reward / “He found Captain Winkie!”




What do you know about pressure?

The Scenes As I Understand Them Now:

Early in the movie, Ace returns a pet to a woman. She then takes off his pants and he begins swinging wildly from the chandelier while screaming.

Towards the end of the movie Ace reveals that Finkle is Einhorn – she simply had a sex change operation that moved the penis around to the back. Or something. The officers react by spitting and gasping in disgust.

How I Misunderstood Them Then:

Is that woman hurting Ace? If he’s screaming, she must be hurting him. And why do women keep disappearing when men’s pants fall off? Couldn’t he break the chandelier that way? Why is this reward better than money? I wish I had money. Then I could buy F-Zero.

Did she cut off her penis and glue it to her butt? Why would she do that? How can she do that? How does she pee? Why are all the police men spitting if they just kissed her mouth? Did they also kiss the penis on her butt? Then why would they be grossed out now? Is it because she also kissed Dan Marino? Is Dan Marino now gay?