My ass is a wallet melter.  If destroying wallets was a profitable business, and my ass could be employed to make money, I’d drop this web crap and be a millionaire, people.

If I see an item hanging by a ring in a vending machine, you can bet your sweet ass I’m buying whatever's about to fall so I get two treats for the price of one.  But wait, even if it’s caramel bullseyes, Neil?  Especially if it’s caramel bullseyes.

Did you have any idea both of the women below exist?  I had no idea.**

**I'm almost certain Amy Adams and Isla Fisher are the same person.

If I had a facebook page, my status would have read: “…and that’s why you don’t own a chimpanzee…”

Here are 3 social networking jokes you can all use:  1.) Twitter is all the egocentrism of Facebook without any of the fake presents.  2.) What draws most people to Facebook is the ability to post pictures of one's self, and convince others that it's not self-absorbed.  3.) I often argue that Twitter is the best way to post a picture of your favorite dessert, but Facebook sure is making a run at it. 

In looking up how to spell dessert for my column, I found out that the definition of dessert is as follows:

• des-sert [di-ZURT]: cake, pie, fruit, pudding, ice cream, etc., served as the final course of a meal.

I'll have you all know I am now representing cookies in a class-action lawsuit against dictionary.com.

I, for one, believe Jason Segel is inadequately filling the mighty shoes left by Judge Reinhold and Daniel Stern.  You, Jason Segel, are no Billy Rosewood, and you are certainly no Wet Bandit Marv.

I'm obsessed with the advertisement below, so much so that I took a picture the picture to share:**

**I just adore that they're selling watches with helicopters, and that the only link is the color palette.

Let’s talk about Magic Shell ice cream topping together.  Did you like it, love it, or hate yourself as a kid?  It must have been one of the three.

I saw a woman in a motorized scooter the other day.  She was heavy, older and presumably inactive (trust me, it’s relevant).  When I saw her, she was motoring up to her car, and a gentleman was lifting her into the driver’s seat.  I had mixed emotions.  Here’s a woman, incapable of getting around without motorized assistance, unable to raise her own body with the power of her own legs, getting into the driver’s seat of a one metric ton vehicle, and yet, who would be better to drive than a woman on wheels all day?  She could be Earnhardt for all I know.  Any logic here?  Or is this just mean?

Directions:  If you see somebody with a big nose, turn to the person you're with and say, "Look at the air intake system on that guy," and then accept their thanks.

Who else is thrilled about our President being so "cool?"  I'm thrilled about it.  He's like the "cool" teacher in high school, and we all know how great those teachers end up being.  If I could pick out any trait for our nation's leader it'd be that he/she was "cool."  And this guy is "cool," so that's great.

I was walking around and heard a woman say, “I’m going to kick him in the ‘you know what.’”  One has to assume she wasn’t talking about a man's ass, because nobody uses “you know what” to mean ass anymore.  This leaves only one other area - the balls.  I have to assume this lady kicked a man in the balls recently.  That stinks.

Anything comes off super-badass awesome when it's superimposed on top of an American flag.  Check it out:**

**That dog's way strong to begin with, so the first picture is great.  However, the second picture...well the second, will make you light your hair on fire.  I didn't even add the fireworks.  They just fired off when I put the dog on that flag.

There seems to be a public obsession with cartoon mice?  Have you ever thought about how many exist?  Fievel, Despereaux, Ratatouille, Mickey, Minnie, Mighty, Chuck E. Cheese, Topo Gigio, Speedy Gonzalez, Stuart Little, Jerry from Tom & Jerry.  If I drew a cartoon mouse, it would have rabies because that’s what mice do.  They carry disease.