If I'm eating Chinese food with people, and I want to impress them, I'll eat my fortune cookie and throw away the fortune without ever reading it.  It's hardcore and wreckless.  People are blown away by that move.

My father was finally called for jury duty, which means someone’s going to jail for “being stupid.”

I remember every lyric to the song "Poison" by Bell Biv Devoe.  That song came out in 1996.  In 1996, I also learned how to conjugate the Spanish word escuchar, yet I don’t remember a lick of it.  That is the power of music.  If I was even slightly musical, I would write songs about the body - anatomy, physiology, systemic diseases and things of the like - memorize and learn all pertinent information, become the greatest surgeon in the world ever, charge millions of dollars for all operations, and eventually buy the globe.  That's what I'd do.  But you go ahead and try to learn that Nirvana song.  

Coincidentally, my nickname were I a UFC fighter and the name of the dream roller coaster I've created in my head are the same:  Hell on Earth.

Did you read about the guy that crashed his car and died while listening to Ludacris?  If not, you have to check out the article here.

My first job in entertainment was not writing this stupid column.  I actually got started as one of the guys that grab kids out of their bedrooms on MTV's Room Raiders.

Like many other old people, I long for simpler times – when candy bars were 50 cents, when dancing hot dogs meant the movie’s about to start, and when a steel chair in wrestling meant lights OUT.  No more wrestling after the chair, fellas.  Can’t we just go back to the way things were?

I know there’s a 12 year old kid in Georgia who heard the news about Michael Vick killing dogs, ran into his bedroom crying, and tore the Michael Vick Fathead off of his wall, sobbing “I hate you, Michael Vick.”    Maybe it’s too late to be making Mike Vick jokes, but it’s never too late to make Fathead jokes people.

What happens if a bird hurts it’s foot?  Does it just lie around for weeks?

My fiancee and I are proactively working on our ESP and beaming each other thoughts and messages through concentration.  I realize you've all tried this, but have any of you had a serious breakthrough?

I've highlighted my Points of Pride© in this column before.  There are just a number of things I've never had/done/tasted/seen/etc.  Some of those things are coincidental, for example, I've never seen any of the Lethal Weapon movies.  Not on purpose.  Just no interest in a Mel Gibson/Danny Glover movie.  On the other hand, in certain situations, I've come to the realization that I'm on a 31-year streak.  Certain things have just never come into my life, and their exclusion remains very deliberate.  They are my...Points of Pride©.  Here are this week's inductees:  I’ve never had a ice cream float of any kind.  I’ve never had guacamole.  I've never seen an episode of CSI.

I hate tartar a lot, and as much as I like the spirit in the real advertisement below, I think it goes a little too far:


Public vomiting.  It’s funny to know it’s going on.  It’s not funny to smell it going on.  My favorite public vomiting story happened recently.  I went to see the movie Milk, and right after Harvey Milk won his seat, a woman behind me puked in a plastic grocery bag.  I have to assume she had some bad concessions.

I have 6 different tools specifically designed to remove hair from different parts of my body, and from the looks of it, one would have to assume all 6 tools are broken.

I took a road trip recently where I drove for 4 hours on a Friday night, and just under 4 hours on a Sunday night.  In this 7+ hours of driving, spread over two days in the year 2008 (a month short of 2009), I heard the song “Rio” by Duran Duran three times in my car on the radio.  The last time that happened to someone had to be at least 20 years ago.

I was eating in an Applebee’s recently and I overheard a woman ask, “Where’s the bathroom.”

The hostess answered, “It’s in the back, by the barber pole.”  Which made me realize, directions inside an Applebee’s are a lot of fun.  For example:

• “Walk past the kitchen, make a right at the stop sign, and it’s the first door on the left, under the snowshoes.”
• “Walk towards the Clay High School Class of ’96 photo, but don't go past the golf collage.”
• “Oh, the high chairs are right under the framed picture of Alf."

Think anyone’s ever choked and died on communion?  How far do you think the Catholic Church would go to keep that story under wraps?  Do you think they have snipers and spotters in every church, ready to just lay somebody down that chokes on the body of Christ?