There are plenty of reasons to get excited for the World Series: Cheesesteaks vs. retirement communities?  Come on!  Let’s take a closer look.

Representing the American League are the Tampa Bay Rays (formerly known as the Devil Rays, the same thingamajig that killed the Crocodile Hunter—R.I.P.).  If they’re anything like Famous Ray’s Pizza or Original Ray’s Pizza then we’re in for a lot of unnecessary hype followed by a huge letdown, then diarrhea while shopping at the Virgin MegaStore.

One of the key strategies for the Rays is to duplicate the success of previous Rays.  Like Ray Parker, Jr. who penned the theme to Ghostbusters, or Ray Park, who played Darth Maul and will soon be G.I. Joe’s Snake-Eyes. Both pretty badass Rays.

If the Tampa Bay Rays want to win this World Series it’ll take a lot of heart and a lot of endorsement contract greed.  As manager Joe Maddon remarked at his press conference on Sunday night, “I managed the Who to the What????” 

So how ‘bout those Phillies?

The city that put AIDS on the map is mostly known for the Liberty Bell, Steak-Umms and putting the ‘ph’ in phun.  If the Phillies plan on phinally winning a phew games to get their phirst championship in 25 years they must phollow these simple suggestions:

Score more runs.  I’ve been watching baseball for years and if there’s anything I’ve observed over time it’s that the team with the most runs wins the game.  It’s true.  You can look it up. 

Next, the Phillies must unleash a barrage of trash talk from their catcher while the Rays are at bat.  Carlos Ruiz has been known to lob insults like, “I’ve seen your sister taking balls the same way,” and. “My God, if you choked up anymore on that bat you’d be giving it herpes.”  This must continue.  Ruiz is the league leader in SOWTBIALB (Strikeouts When The Batter Is A Little Bitch).  In order for Philadelphia to take command of the series he must be on top of his game.

Finally, say that you play in Boston or New York or something.  Anything, but Philadelphia.  Those guys are losers. 

Even though Phils against Rays sounds like two plumbers from Staten Island, this is sure to be a World Series worth checking out (unless, of course, there’s something else on).