When it comes to music, I’m the guy you hate.

I buy tracks off iTunes because I heard them in Guitar Hero.

I know the lyrics to three songs by The Who because of CSI: Crime Scene Investigation.

I am, by all accounts, a music virgin.

Therefore, in an attempt to better understand music, I will be listening to classic albums I’ve never heard before and typing out my thoughts.

My first choice comes from my friend Tim. Tim has a Guns N’ Roses (I had to just check on Google to see where the apostrophe falls on the ‘N’) tattoo on his arm. Tim says that Appetite for Destruction gave his life a greater meaning.

I need a little more meaning in my life, so let’s give it a listen, shall we?

1. Welcome to the Jungle

Oh! This was in Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas! Wait, let me start this over; I didn’t expect this to be so loud. If she’s got no money you’ve got her disease? That’s no way to get a woman to sleep with you. But you did get laid a lot, Axl. So what do I know?

2. It’s So Easy

I think this song is also about sex. Whoa! We just switched the tempo there, didn’t we? And another tempo switch! Wait, is there a swear word in this song? Parental Advisory Explicit Content!

3. Night Train

I like how this song starts. Did he just say “space brain?” I’ve got no clue what this is actually about. Is this about drugs or an actual train? Or is it about sex again? Do you guys know? I don’t think he’d “love this stuff” if he was literally on New Jersey Transit.

4. Out Ta Get Me

Yeah! Let’s get a drink in a dirty glass and play pool! I don’t care what my woman thinks; I’m going to tear the sleeves off this jacket she bought me! Is The Man around? Because I’ve got some choice words for him.

5. Mr. Brownstone

The beginning of this song reminds me of “I Want Candy.” I really like the guitar in this song, even more than the lyrics. I’ve just realized I couldn’t tell you the difference between a bass guitar and a regular guitar. I should really ask someone to explain that to me.

6. Paradise City

Why does he keep shouting one word at the end of every song? Do they piece together into a sentence like a Junior Jumble?

7. My Michelle

I once had a kid in my college writing class who just wrote poems about his heroin addiction. But every poem was in rhyming couplets, so it was really hard to take him seriously. That’s how this song makes me feel. 

8. Think About You

I’ve got to admit, this song is pretty nice. If my high school yearbook had a full-page spread of the Challenger, I think I’d play this while making out.

9. Sweet Child O’ Mine

HEY EVERYONE! CLEAR THE DANCE FLOOR BECAUSE IT’S TIME FOR THE BRIDE AND HER FATHER TO HAVE THE FIRST DANCE! Okay, now I’m tearing up. I like this song.

10. You’re Crazy

Ugh. This band has the laziest choruses I’ve ever heard.

11. Anything Goes

The guitar and drums sound like stage music from a Mega Man game. Hair Man, maybe. After you beat his level, Mega Man gets the power to fight with hotel security and sabotage his career (thanks, Wikipedia entry on Axl Rose!). The music even switches tempo at the end to sound like a boss fight. Get ‘em, Mega Man!

12. Rocket Queen

Alright, last song. This is pretty good, but it still sounds a lot like the other songs. Well, except for that fucking echo effect Axl’s got going. How is he a “sexual innuendo”? Did he write these songs himself?

Well, that’s about it. Appetite for Destruction is fun, I guess. Maybe it’s one of those pieces of art that define the moment they were produced in. I don’t know. This album really feels like two songs stretched over twelve: Sweet Child O’ Mine and Axl Gets Too Loud After a Guitar Solo.

But at least I’ve heard it now.

If you have any suggestions for my next album, please post in the comments. I have no idea what I’m doing.