Pets are cool. These pets aren’t.

1. Clifford the Big Red Dog
For those of you unfamiliar with this horrifically gigantic canine, Clifford  the Big Red Dog is just what his name implies. He is a dog with an insane glandular and pigment problem. His 8-year-old owner, Mary Elizabeth was forced to pick up and move away from her childhood home and the life she knew to Birdwell Island because of this ungrateful dog.

Why Clifford was Cool in Cartoons
There are obviously a lot of awesome things that a kid could do with a 10-story-tall dog. You could ride him as transportation (which is essential with today’s high gas prices), save children from burning schools and gain heroic fame, reach high objects, and never be bullied again.

Why Clifford Sucks in Real Life
Can you imagine the DUMPS that dog must take? And the drool? Doggie vomit? Pet dander? Fleas? And aside from all his horrible doggie bodily functions, having a dog of that size must cost a pretty penny, thus canceling out the money you would save at the gas pumps.

2. Pokemon
Pokemon, short for Pocket Monsters, refer to the hundreds of species of wonder pets what can only be classified as crazed animal eugenics experiments.

Why Pokemon were Cool in Cartoons
Their supernatural powers over the elements and overall cuteness are both obvious reasons. Also, being able to drop out of school when you’re 12-years old to move out of home and travel around the world to capture more Pokemon is pretty cool.

Why Pokemon Suck in Real Life
I know what you’re thinking. Pokemon? There’s no way that they can be horrible in real life. They have crazy cool powers like breathing fireballs and shooting lightning from their cute little bodies. Exactly. Wait until they figure out who the dominant one is in your little poke-pal relationship. Let’s take a step back here. Pokemon World is a world wherein all the real animals (cows, pigs, chickens…etc.) have been replaced by Pokemon. But nobody in Pokemon World is a vegan. Yeah. Once they find out that you’ve been eating their little poke-flesh and drinking their poke-milk, I guarantee you poke-mutiny.


3. Pongo & Perdita
These two dalmations are the dogs who heroically rescued their puppies from being turned into a coat by the evil Cruella De’Ville, became a symbol of animal rights and managed to screw you over 101 times over.

Why Pongo & Perdita were Cool in Cartoons
Essentially, these were the dogs that brought their masters the joys of true love by bringing them together. I’ve heard of guys using a cute dog to attract the ladies, but this is going above and beyond.

Why Pongo & Perdita Suck in Real Life
They also sired 99 puppies for you to take care of on your own, because the dogs sure as hell aren’t going to cough up the cash for the 500 weekly bags of puppy chow. (And for those of you who are going to reference the 1996 live action film with Glenn Close and say that the 99 puppies were not just from Pongo & Perdita let’s remember that this is an article about cartoon pets.) They have also probably single handedly turned their owners reputations from “respectable, upright citizens” to “the crazy dog man and lady”.

4. Porkchop
Yes, I know. Another dog. But dogs are a very common and popular pet in both the real world and the cartoon world. And Porkchop is a pet that we just cannot overlook. As the faithful companion of Doug Funny, Porkchop couldn’t talk, but still sometimes gave Doug better advice than Skeeter ever could.

Why Porkshop was Cool in the Cartoon
He was by far, the coolest dog ever. He was smart, funny, and forever loyal. He could play the electric guitar, create beautiful works of art and cook. All without opposable thumbs.

Why Porkchop Sucks in Real Life
Because he’s just a little bit too cool. Way cooler than Doug. Imagine living with an animal that you knew was better than you. Besides living in a way cooler pad (igloo house!) and having no problems with the ladies (or poodles in this case), he was just better at everything than his human master. How degrading.