The House Oversight Committee is holding their second hearing on steroids in baseball, with much of the focus on New York Yankees pitcher, Roger Clemens. Clemens is expected to defend himself against allegations, made by a former trainer Brian McNamee, of taking performance-enhancing drugs.
This got me thinking, shouldn’t it be mandatory for Clemens to be injected with sodium pentathol, or truth serem, before the hearing? I imagine it would go something like this…
HOC: Mr. Clemens, let's cut to the chase, did you ever take any performance-enhancing drugs or steroids?
Clemens: Nope, I just happen to be having the best decade of my career ... a decade after the best decade of my career! We're all juiced! You think Bonds & McGwire are clean? You could bowl a perfect game with either one of their heads.
HOC: But, Mr. Clemens, you have stated that you did not take any performance-enhancing drugs, only "vitamins and painkillers."
Clemens: What do you think steroids are? They're vitamins and painkillers.
HOC: According to The Mitchell Report, steroids are...
Clemens: Most estimates say somewhere between 10-40 million dollars was spent compiling The Mitchell Report. How much money went into the 9/11 Report?
HOC: I don't have those numbers in front of me.
Clemens: $3 million. Do you think that I'm more important than Al-Qaeda?
HOC: Mr. Clemens, we just want the truth...
Clemens: YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
HOC: (Pause) Are you ... quoting a movie?
Clemens: You guys shouldn't worry about me testifying, you should get Dick Cheney under oath.
HOC: I don't see what...
Clemens: Or Ken Lay! If anyone thinks that guy conveniently died of a heart attack 2 months after he got busted for stealing billions of dollars and had his closed casket cremated, they're nuts --
HOC: Thank you, Mr. Clemens, you're excused.
Clemens: Ken Lay is on some island 30 nautical miles SW of Tahiti covered in the honey-drenched saliva of a group of bronzen, native, 9-year old boys!
HOC: MR. CLEMENS, THAT IS ALL! YOU ARE EXCUSED!
Clemens: (pause) Really? Cool. Nice talking with you guys. Pay attention to things that matter from now on. Stay out of my way. I'm trying to be an American hero.
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Wednesday, Feb. 27, 2008
By admin on Apr 06, 2008
Roger Clemens had a long day. Talk about it. Here...
By Aaron on Apr 06, 2008
This is great!
By middaymoon on Apr 06, 2008
This is brilliant! BRILLIANT!
Has anyone ever read the book in the "HitchHiker's Guide To The Galaxy" series where a man was given too much truth serum? This kind of reminded me of that. Nice one, man.
By charlie479 on Apr 06, 2008
Very funny. Great Job Mr. Murray.
I have to say, I'm from Houston and am a big Astros fan, so to see "The Rocket" crash and burn is pretty satisfying. He lied to all of fans in H-Town, only performed when it was convenient for his career and then sold out to the Yankees after telling us he wanted to finish his career in Texas.
He's supposedly a pretty big asshole too, off the field that is.
By Morning Stoner on Apr 06, 2008
He inspired me to do steroids. Roger is the man without a doubt